I am incredibly honored and beyond excited to be participating in the 5th Annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health over at Postpartum Progress, a website that has provided me with comfort and support after first being diagnosed with Postpartum Depression (PPD.) On Mother’s Day (Sunday, May 12) every hour on the hour, a post will go live on Postpartum Progress, written by a woman who has battled a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Antenatal Depression. So if you are struggling or know a parent who is, there will be 24 women writing letters of support and understanding.

Lots of bloggers are participating as well as some brave women who have never before shared their stories about their particular journey.

My post will go live at 9am on Sunday morning and I would love for you to read my letter and check the site throughout the day to support the other Warrior Moms who are working hard to make it through.

To recap: this is the 5th Annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health hosted by Postpartum Progress--the world’s most widely-read blog on postpartum depression and other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth. First post goes live at midnight on Sunday, May 12 with a new post every hour. My post goes up on Sunday at 9am–not here, but on Postpartum Progress. I’d love your support and I know the other women participating would love to hear from you too.

Thanks and Happy Mother’s Day!

I hope you were able to catch the “iQ: smartparent” episode “Girls Growing Up With Media” on WQED here in Pittsburgh the other night. If you missed it, you can see the show in its entirety here. Dr.Gilboa and her guests professor Dr. M. Gigi Durham author of The Lolita Effect, Rebecca Gaynier founder of the social media website iTwixie.com and Jennifer Stancil, Executive Director of Educational Partnerships at WQED Multimedia, discussed several topics affecting girls and media in the digital age including the effects of manipulated media images in advertising on the average girl, keeping girls safe in the unmonitored realms of social media and encouraging girls to be their authentic selves.

I don’t know about you, but I grew up in the 1980s and 1990s—long before the internet was a part of our daily lives. I can remember being 12 or so, pouring through magazines like Seventeen and comparing myself to the thin, flawless images inside the pages. It always struck me odd that the girls in those magazines had no pores on their faces. Their skin was always pristine—very unlike my own skin which was just starting to show tell-tale signs of puberty. At the time, I didn’t understand that those photos were air-brushed. Any normal skin details like pores, or the occasional dark spot or acne had been painstakingly artistically edited from the photo. All I knew at the time was that the model’s skin looked amazing and my skin didn’t. I wanted the skin she had. And it didn’t stop at skin—I wanted the body she had too. Because obviously clothes didn’t look as good on my average sized frame as they did on the slender, tall bodies of the girls in the magazine.

I witnessed those kinds of images in print, TV and movies while I was growing up, nowadays girls are bombarded with ads online and can find a photo of virtually anything they may be looking for by doing a quick image search on Google or cruising boards on Pinterest. Some photos of girls and women are so Photoshopped that they don’t even look human anymore—moreso the person in the photo looks like some slightly distorted wax figure. And it doesn’t stop there. Even kids’ dolls and games are manipulated or “stylized” in such a way that they are promoting impossible body images for girls. Shortly after the first airing of “Girls Growing Up With Media” my friend Candice shared a link on Facebook to this story about how the graphics on the Candy Land Game board have changed over the last few decades. The figures of the Disney princesses and Barbie dolls—none of them would be able to stand up if people were actually shaped as those dolls suggest. In the superhero toy aisle, you’ll find male images just as distorted—often men are shown with huge shoulders, small waists and muscles that are so big that they are unattainable in real life. This is the world we live in now. How do we raise our kids to deal with these images in a way that does not detract from their self-esteem?

As Dr. Durham pointed out in the broadcast, it is important to encourage our children to think critically when watching TV and movies. As you are watching a show with your children, you can make it a learning experience. Perhaps point out to them that the teen star in the commercial you are watching had a team of professional stylists and make-up artists working for hours to make her look like she’s never had a pimple while she is being paid by a skincare company to sell their product. Watching that princess cartoon? Ask your kids if that princess could actually walk if her waist was that small and her head was that big in real life.

And this is just a fraction of what was discussed in the show—which you can see here.  It is really one of those shows that could have easily been three different episodes since there is really so much ground to cover. If you are enjoying this series I greatly encourage you to come to a taping! The next taping is May 7, 2013 and will air in June. It is free to attend so click here and sign up!

I am a featured blogger for “iQ:smartparent.”

Well, as of today I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I am happy to report that on Saturday Aaron and I toured the hospital where I will be delivering and I did not start having contractions leading to labor! This is great news considering that I started having contractions when I toured the hospital in Tallahassee and gave birth to Porter about 30 hours later!  I was a little emotional on our tour, nervous about going through this all again and hoping that things turn out okay. The facilities are really top-notch and I feel very fortunate that we are able to deliver at this hospital.

Gone are the carefree days of the second trimester. Everything is a little harder to do now. Baby is high up in my belly making it hard to breathe sometimes. Sitting too long is uncomfortable. Standing too long is uncomfortable. Laying down on one side for too long is uncomfortable. I can no longer easily carry baskets of laundry up and down the stairs. I pee all the time. I’m tired because I can’t sleep through the night because I have to pee all the time. Porter is frustrated that my lap seems to be shrinking. I’ve had a little swelling here and there, but nothing like I had when I was pregnant with Porter. Around my belly button is a halo of light purple stretch marks, new for me with this pregnancy. Although I am grateful to have them so they can help me carry this baby to term, I am really, really tired of having to get an injection in my butt cheek once a week.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling rather large these days. Just in the belly. That’s one of the weird things about this pregnancy–I’m just all belly. I’ve gained about the same amount of weight so far as I did during my last pregnancy, but it is just in different places this time. With Porter, it was all over. With this baby? Just boobs and belly. And because my belly is all loud and proud right now, strangers have started talking to me about it. 99% of comments so far have just been “when are you due?” “do you know what you are having?” type comments. Totally fine. But I’m starting to get the “You must be due next week!” kinds of comments that make me feel gigantic–even though I am pretty sure that was not the commentator’s intention.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I’M PREGNANT. YOU ARE NOT POINTING OUT SOMETHING THAT I DO NOT ALREADY KNOW.

Otherwise, things are going ok. I have one more show to paint before the baby comes. I am getting things worked out to pass the torch along to the next scenic artist at my current gig. Aaron and I are working out summer daycare/preschool stuff for Porter who will return to  full-time care again in a few weeks. Nursery still needs things but is looking rather pulled together at this point. I’m trying to take things day by day. I have my eye on the 35 week mark. I will feel a slight sense of relief if my pregnancy makes it that far. After that, looking forward to making it to 37 weeks, full-term (fingers crossed!) I can honestly say I haven’t thought too much about Life after that point.

Coming soon on the blog: nursery photos, preparing the Big Brother, pics of the belly!

Sunday was Porter’s birthday party here at our house and we had a BLAST! It was a little cooler than we were hoping for, but the sky was clear blue, the sun was shining and we were surrounded by friends–it doesn’t get much better than that! We wanted this party to be really special because it is his last as the “only child,” so originally we had wanted to do a big party at a playplace or museum. Unfortunately, Uncle Sam hit us pretty hard with taxes this year, so we settled on a party at home but with a big gift–a swingset!

I knew months ago that this was going to be a pirate themed party. Porter LOVES Jake and the Neverland Pirates these days and I thought it was be an easy theme to tackle. I wasn’t looking to add stress to my life. You know what the key to a low-key party is? Not looking at Pinterest! No building my own pirate ship in the yard, no creating my own treasure map party bunting–none of that  stuff. I just don’t have the energy. I’m 32 weeks pregnant just breathing wears me out so I was definitely looking for low-stress party solutions! And besides, it isn’t like Porter actually cares. He just wants”to eat cake and have fun because he is four and that’s what four years olds like.

I was able to find a lot of basic party decorations at our local Dollar Tree store. Pirate “Happy Birthday” banner, pirate table center piece, goodie bags, tiki decorations (for the Tiki Forest from the show,) and party blowers all came from Dollar Tree. From Party City I picked up a Jake and the Neverland Pirates table cloth and temporary tattoos and some plastic “gold doubloons.” And from Michaels I bought some skull and crossbones ribbon for $1, some cool pirate hats for the kids, and random goodie bag stuff.

The one thing that I ended up making for this party was the cake. I checked out our local bakeries for Jake and the Neverland Pirates cake options, but they just weren’t anything special. I figured that I could make something cool on the cheap using boxed cake mix, store-bought frosting, some of Porter’s toys and a little creative thinking. Here is what I came up with:

It is a two layer chocolate yellow swirl cake with chocolate frosting between the layers and vanilla frosting tinted with brown food coloring on the outside. The “sand” is graham cracker crumbs with a little bit of gold cupcake sprinkles mixed in and pressed into the tinted vanilla frosting. On top are a few of Porter’s toys (thoroughly washed before hand.) The “booty” in the treasure chest is made up of gold cupcake sprinkles and multi-colored cupcake sprinkles. Here is where I ran into some trouble with this cake. The original idea was to make the cake look like a treasure map complete with a red X marking the spot and “Happy Birthday Porter!” written in frosting on the top of the cake. BUT because of the crumbs I could not for the life of me pull out some nice letters on the cake. First I tried gel icing and that was awful. Then I tried piping on regular cake frosting and that wasn’t good either (but better than the gel.) The good part was that the graham cracker crumbs were very forgiving and I could just scrape off my lettering mistakes and patch the area with crumbs.

So in the 11th hour, I had to come up with a way to get the message on the cake. Using some brown paper (I’m a painter and always have a roll in the house,) glue, a Sharpie, and some bamboo kitchen skewers, I  made the banner. To help fill space, I stuck some pirate flag cupcake decorations in the cake too.

Was it perfect? No, but it was fun and Porter really loved it so that is all that really matters.

When we found out that we were expecting a girl, a lot of people asked me how I felt about the news. “Are you excited?” they asked. Of course I was—and still am!—very excited to have a little girl in our lives and I am looking forward to being a mother to both a boy and a girl.

I do have to admit that now that I know that I will be the mother of a girl, I feel more pressure. I want to be a good role model for her. I want to protect her. I want to encourage her. I want her to be comfortable in her own skin. And this is not to say that I don’t want the same things for my son, but I guess because I am female I have better idea of what the journey from girl to woman is like. And it is hard! You spend years of your life trying to figure out who you are versus what the rest of the world is telling you what you should be. It wasn’t until the last few years that I finally felt comfortable being me, in this body—and I’m almost 35! I spent so many young years of my life feeling insecure and having a terrible body image. So how do I go about teaching my daughter how to be strong and confident?

On this month’s episode of iQ:smartparent, the theme is “Girls Growing Up With Media.”  I attended the taping and the show airs TONIGHT Thursday, April 25, 2013 at 8pm on WQED here in Pittsburgh. If you aren’t in Pittsburgh, fear not: I will pass along a link to the show online soon! This episode covers a few different topics: how manipulated media images of women affect girls and their self-image, how social media affects girls and how kids can use media to tell their own story by putting out positive, realistic content. Hosted by Deborah Gilboa, MD, this installment of the show features guests M. Gigi Durham, Ph. D., author of The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It, Rebecca Gaynier, founder of iTwixie.com and Jennifer Stancil, the Executive Director of Educational Partnerships at WQED.

This episode covers a lot of ground and shares some jaw-dropping statistics, so please tune in to WQED tonight at 8pm to catch the show and if you can’t because you are out of the area, you can follow me @ICanGrowPeople on Twitter where I will be live tweeting along with the broadcast. Look for #iqsmartparent.

I am a featured blogger for “iQ:smartparent.”

This is my 600th post here on the blog and it’s a serious one. It’s one I have been writing in my head for months unable (or unwilling?) to type out the words.  I thought if the words actually surface, then I can no longer casually pretend that this issue hasn’t been weighing on me.

If you have been following the blog since Porter’s birth or shortly thereafter, you know that I struggled with Postpartum Depression (PPD.) I previously had bouts of severe clinical depression between the ages of 19-24 (with the worst of it being between ages 19 and 21.) I hadn’t had a significant depressive episode for years, so when PPD hit me I denied it to myself for quite some time. I knew what depression felt like–but this time there was rage. Once the rage set in I knew this was a serious issue that I couldn’t face alone.  So almost exactly three months after the birth of my son, after about three weeks of being back at work, I finally got up enough courage to admit to my husband that something was very wrong and that I needed his support as well as medical help.

And I did this on his birthday, of all days.

Admitting to my husband that I thought I had PPD was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

That was almost four years ago and I have come a long way since then.  I’ve been off of depression/anxiety medication since August 2010. I’ve learned the importance of self care. I cut myself a lot of slack. I have the occasional “bad day” but I know that it is only temporary.

I think that 2012 was one of the happiest years of my life. I had finally adjusted to life in PA. I still didn’t have as much work (income) as I would have liked, but I loved what work I did have and felt good about the companies with whom I was working. Porter was growing and thriving and I finally felt that I was doing okay as a mom. I made a devoted effort to lose weight and made it a point to carve out “me time” in my schedule. I started running, which not only gave me alone time but also did wonders for my mood and anxiety issues (weight loss too!) Overall, I felt whole and happy which is why I finally felt ready to try to have another child.

I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant again and I am feel lucky that both of my pregnancies have been happy and healthy. This pregnancy has definitely been a journey. I feel like I have been slowly walking down a long hallway with a door at the end of it. I can tell that beyond the door is a bright, shining light–I can see it spilling out from around the door. It gives me hope and I am anxious to see what life is like on the other side. But I feel this…thing…creeping behind me. I look over my shoulder, but I don’t see it. I just feel it there.

That’s Postpartum Depression.

It’s following me.

It’s keeping its distance, but it is there.

All I can really do about it now–before the baby comes–is come up with a “plan of attack” if it decides to show its face again. Here are some of the things I plan on doing the second time around:

• Be absolutely honest with myself, my husband and my doctor about how I am feeling and dealing. No “it is just the Baby Blues, it’ll pass” or “I’m sure you are just overracting–this is just how life with a baby really is.” I need to tell people how I am feeling and not be ashamed.
• If I should need it, I will welcome medication with open arms.
• I will not be breastfeeding this time around. I had a very difficult time of it after my first pregnancy. Although I am happy I made it through three months of breastfeeding Porter, we had a lot of issues making it work and my supply, which wasn’t great to begin with, dropped significantly once I went back to work. My struggles with BFing made me feel like a huge failure and I feel very strongly that those feelings played a significant part in my PPD the first time. I don’t want to risk setting myself up for those same feelings of failure this time. Formula feeding also means that Aaron and I can share feeding responsibilities which will help take some of the pressure off of me.
•  I am having my placenta encapsulated. When I was pregnant with Porter, I had heard of women eating their placenta and frankly I couldn’t figure out how anyone could actually want to do that. I have since learned why some women do this and that you don’t actually have to stew it on the stove in your kitchen to reap the benefits. Through a birthing center here in town, I found someone who specializes in processing placentas into capsules. I have a few friends who have a history of PPD who have consumed their placenta by way of capsules and have experienced numerous benefits including less moodiness, more energy and better milk production. It is costing us about $185 to do this and I think that is rather reasonable considering the benefits.
• With some help from my in-laws, we are putting Porter back in daycare full-time for a few months starting a couple of weeks before the baby arrives. Since we won’t have family visiting to help out once the baby is here and since Aaron will be working, having Porter at school all day will be a tremendous help. I won’t have to juggle the needs of a newborn and a preschooler all day everyday from day one. This really is a tremendous gift to us and it will give Porter some stability his life while things at home are a little chaotic.

I know that I can’t be 100% prepared for how I will feel and adjust to life post baby2, but I with this general plan in place I feel more confident that I can face Postpartum Depression again if he chooses to knock on my door. I know that if I can conquer it once, I can do it again!

It is hard to believe that this little man:

Is now this little man:

Monday was Porter’s fourth birthday.  Since this is the last birthday P will have as an only child, we tried to make it extra special for him.  As our gift to him, we wanted to get a playset/swingset for the yard.  Something that we could install and yet easily take with us once we move out of this rental (next year at this time–cross your fingers!)  Saturday was the big day of the construction and install.  Unfortunately, Saturday was also the day that Porter tripped and fell in the kitchen spraining his ankle.  So, Saturday didn’t go exactly as planned–but the bum ankle kept Porter on the couch while Aaron and our friend George secretly put the swingset together in the backyard.  Porter was feeling better on Sunday and since the weather was beautiful we knew that there was no way we were going to keep Porter out of the yard that day.  We told Porter that there was a very special early birthday surprise outside, put a blindfold on him and lead him to the yard.  This was his reaction:

Yeah, he was rather excited!

On Monday, his actually birthday, he woke up to lots of balloons and a few gifts from family.  Then I sent him to preschool with an ample supply of Funfetti minicupcakes.  For dinner, we took him to his first ever trip to Chuck E Cheese.  He was ecstatic, and don’t worry, the ankle could handle it just fine!  (Side note: Chuck E Cheese was crazy–even on a Monday night!)  After that, he came home to more gifts from family and then bath and bedtime.  And more fun is planned: we are having a little party at our house for him on this Sunday!

These four years have flown by.  Next year he’ll be five and starting Kindergarten in the fall!  I can barely wrap my brain around that!

Happy Birthday, Porter!  We love you!

Hey bloggy friends! I did not drop off of the face of the Interwebz!

The past few weeks have been very busy.  Aaron was on a work trip to Milwaukee a few weeks back. He finally came home and it seemed like our family let out a collective sigh of relief. For a single evening we felt like everything was going to get back to normal. Aaron had no more work related travel scheduled for the rest of the semester. We could all just concentrate on the day-to-day stuff and getting ready for the baby. The next morning we found out two things: Aaron’s grandmother had passed away and the show we were working on was going through a major design change only days before we were scheduled to load the set into the theatre.  Suddenly we found ourselves scrambling to get to Ohio for family time and services while also scrapping all the work we had done on the show we were working on thus far. It was a rough week and we worked through Easter weekend, but the Easter Bunny did visit (“All the way from the mall!” according to Porter) and we did get to have a small but lovely Easter dinner together.

While all of that was happening, I entered the Third Trimester of this Second Pregnancy and things feel like they are moving at the speed of light.  However, I am not moving quickly at all. It is getting harder for me to move around and do certain things–but I CAN still tie my own shoes! Sleeping is getting a bit more challenging. I have a hint of purple stretch marks appearing around my navel (now a full-fledged outie.) Sometimes I feel like this baby is cuddling with my lungs–I just feel like it is harder to breathe these days. With Porter, I felt pregnant all over. But with this baby, I feel I am just all belly!

28 weeks

30 weeks

Oh and speaking of things moving at the speed of light: PORTER TURNS 4 ON MONDAY!!!

I hope to post more about Porter’s birthday and nursery decorating very soon–stay tuned!

I know, I know.  I gave up doing monthly posts about Porter last fall, but since he is turning four in less than a month (!) I guess I am feeling a little nostalgic.  He amazes us everyday with his vocabulary, observations and very active imagination!

What Porter is Wearing These Days:

• 4T shirts
• 3T pants
• 4T pajamas
• 3T/4T underwear
• size 9 in shoes but I’m sure he’ll be in a 10 any day now

What Porter is Eating:

• Porter has finally decided that pizza (cheese or pepperoni only) is acceptable.
• He finally will eat grilled cheese.
• Tacos are still a favorite.
• He loves spaghetti but finds getting it onto the fork really frustrating.
• He went through a phase during which he only wanted to eat his cereal dry, but he is back eating it with milk.  He especially loves it when I let him use an “grown up” bowl and spoon (a Fiestaware bowl and a non-plastic utensil.)
• He has discovered that dessert is a thing he likes and he will ask for it if he has finished an entire meal.  Even if that meal is breakfast.
• Porter now likes maple syrup and ketchup is now acceptable as well.
• He no longer likes mustard or BBQ sauce.
• Much to my delight, he will occasionally eat mashed potatoes.  I love mashed potatoes so this makes me happy!
• Raw vegetables and fruit are still his preferred food of choice.

What Porter is Saying:

• More like “What Isn’t Porter Saying”–the boy loves to talk!
• Recently he has added “as well” and “actually” to his vocabulary.
• He is constantly making observations and sharing stories about things he remembers from years ago.
• Porter has A LOT to say to his sister.  All the time.  He is growing impatient waiting for her to come out.

What Porter Likes These Days:

• Pirates
• Cars
• Being outside–too bad the weather isn’t cooperating these days.
• Playing at PBS Kids on the computer–especially Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.
• Bubble baths!
• Movie Nights with popcorn!
• Dessert
• Pretending
• Helping us get things ready for the baby.
• Helping us get the mail.

What Porter Doesn’t Like These Days:

• Checking the mail only to discover none of it is for him.
• Asking for things nicely.  
• He gets irritated with us if we go out and our destination doesn’t involve toys.

What Porter is Doing

• Porter LOVES pretending.  He really likes pretending that he is Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  He insists that we call him Jake and he will introduce himself as Jake to strangers.  He takes his imaginary pirate crew with him wherever he goes.  He rides around the house on an imaginary pirate ship.
• When he isn’t pretending to be a pirate, he likes to pretend he is Doc McStuffins or the Swedish Chef.
• Porter gives my belly hugs all the time.
• Sometimes he walks with us at the store instead of being in a cart.  It is hard to wrangle him at times, but it is good for him and us.  He gets to have some freedom and feels like a “big kid.”  For me it means that I don’t have to lift at 36lbs of him into or out of a cart.
• He clings to me when we are home.  He likes to help “keep the baby warm.”  I think he is getting a little frustrated because I now have less and less lap upon which he can sit.

What We Art Working On:

• Building independence–encouraging Porter to do things like get his toothbrush and cup ready himself when he brushes his teeth, dressing himself.  He gets frustrated when he doesn’t get things right the first time (totally like me) and as a result becomes easily discouraged (also like me.)  This seems to have gotten worse since he has been home with me most days of the week.  He knows he can rely on me to do things or help him do things and therefore he wants to do fewer and fewer things himself–even if he does it himself at daycare.  
• We still struggle with getting him to wipe himself after potty.  He does it at daycare, but not at home.  He also doesn’t want to pull up his underwear or pants himself at home either.
• He had a bit of potty regression while Aaron was away earlier this month.  Hope it doesn’t happen again when Aaron leaves this week.

Overall, age three has been SO fun and not really more terrible than the “Terrible Twos”–which I also didn’t think were too bad.  I am excited to see what age four will bring!

I’m in a bit of a funk.

It is rainy and grey outside, even though on Sunday it was sunny and 70 degrees.

Daylight Savings Time seems to only have affected me and not my son nor my husband.

Aaron was away for a conference for five days and most of my time solo parenting went just fine, but by the end of his stint away I was ready for a break.  Sometimes spending ten hours a day with a three-almost-four year old boy is rough.  It is even rougher when it is just you and the boy for days on end and you are pregnant and struggling to keep up with a very active and imaginative preschooler.

I was supposed to start work at the beginning of the month, but that has been postponed for a few weeks.  That means 1) I don’t have that job as an outlet to distract me creatively and 2) it will be a huge scramble to get this show done since we now have half the time usually scheduled to complete the build.  I was planning to only work two days a week (and maybe some weekends) on this show, but now with the timeline so tight I will have to work more and I don’t know how Aaron and I are going to make that work (we work together for this company.)  Might have to put P in preschool a few more days a week (he goes two days/week now) but not sure if we can afford that.

I actually think I function better as a mom that works out of the house than as a mom that stays at home.  I feel crummy about that.

I’m at the point of my pregnancy where I have gained 20lbs (I’m 26 weeks 3 days) and I am outgrowing some of my maternity clothes.  I hate that feeling that nothing fits–pregnant or not.  It’s uncomfortable and awkward.

I keep working on this post about how we are struggling to find a name for the baby, but even just writing that post is a struggle!

Sorry, readers.  I don’t mean to dump on you.  I am just trying to find my way out of this.  Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better, brighter day!